Author Archives: Darrell Gurney
Author Archives: Darrell Gurney
One of the many new dimensions of our midlife, The Back Forty, is the necessity to parent differently. I’ve practiced this a great deal over the last several years, as my son went from 17, with an appropriately growing voice in how his life goes, to now being 22.
I was an “involved” parent all through his growing up. Following a divorce when he was 2½, I focused my half-time custody on all the typical things a dad and son would do as he grew: YMCA Indian Guides, AYSO soccer, YMCA swimming (first Guppy, then Minnows, then Sharks), Tai Kwon Do (first Tiny Tigers, then…)…moving as he got older into Cub and Boy Scouts, geckos, rats, fencing, and persistent video game systems (Gameboy, Nintendo, X-Box). Not to mention church on Sundays where he took classes over the course of 12 years. My involvement and guiding direction of my son’s life was strong.
From age 2½ to 7 or so, my parenting was pretty default: play, learn, discipline with timeouts when necessary…but all fairly easy and without thought. Around that time, however, I went through a custody suit lasting a couple years. One of the many blessings that came out of that whole process (from a Back Forty INFUSE Program perspective) was a more conscious study of parenting.
Parenting was different now than in the days of my simple, country upbringing. Plus, I lived in California, in many ways a far-cry skewed mentality than that of my Texas roots. Having come to California specifically for consciousness reasons, I was always on the touchy-feely side of most things anyway. Still, when California new-age consciousness and attitudes about the raising of indigo/millennial/Gen Z individuals come together, parenting looked a lot like coddling to my tainted eyes.
Upon moving out of the parents’ house, however, parental views about how to relate to “adult” kids differ… especially among divorced parents. My own (right or wrong) basic stance was “If you’re going to school, I’m supporting you (financially). If you’re not, I’m assuming you want/need to learn about life…so I’ll support you in that too by letting you support yourself.”
I’ll relieve you of the litany of differences of opinions and challenging interactions a stance like that can take – both with adult child and ex – and yet something became very clear: I needed to find a new way to relate to my son…
To be continued…
Read Part 2 here.
Ever accomplish a goal (or not) and have a big blank space in front of you?
Sometimes there’s even a post-featal downturn in mood, when the juice of the previous activity drive has ceased surging without replacement.
It’s then when our best ingenuity is called for: actually creating what comes next.
To generate and invent a future to live into — and then to be empowered (vs. diminished) by the gap that shows up — is the ultimate creativity.
It’s the games people play that create life and living.
Where can you intentionally generate an empowering gap to live into today?
Got generation gap?
“It’s not only moving that creates new starting points. Sometimes all it takes is a subtle shift in perspective, an opening of the mind, an intentional pause and reset, or a new route to start to see new options and new possibilities.”
Our society shuns the idea of aging. No one wants to get old, and the negative connotations surrounding that word are seemingly endless.
Elderly, senior, infirm, broken, bygone, outdated, inactive, past your prime, senile, decrepit, not long for this world, aged, gray, impaired, grizzled – and those are just some of the synonyms that pop up when searching the word “old”!
No wonder there is such a negative connotation surrounding aging. No one wants to be any of those things!
Recently though, there have been movements to change that mindset. Most recently is the video and article created by Allure Magazine. Titled “How to Age Gracefully”, this article is exactly what our society needs to hear. The women in the video re-define “old”. Here are just some words they use to describe themselves.
Beautiful, competitive, recognized, fascinating, blessed, truthful, healthy, wise, peaceful, empowered.
Now, these words are quite different from the “synonyms” for the word “old”. Maybe it’s time to change the definition. Maybe it’s time to prove that being “old” is an AMAZING thing!
There is much said in our American culture about the self-made man or woman, the iron self-will and resolve that has individuals pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and a lot of ego-oriented “respect” offered to those who, alone, can handle things.
Granted, being able to find the resources, the will and the way within can be of great, holistic and long-term value.
Yet, there’s also a lot said about the power of helping others in their success. Zig Ziglar’s famous quote “You can have everything you want in life if you will just help enough other people get what they want” is an inspiring redirect toward focus upon others.
But search for quotes on “getting help” and you find that 98% are about offering help to others and only the tiny remainder about getting help yourself.
It seems the receiving side of the coin is simply not as respected or valued. We prize offering help, but where’s the equal pride in seeking or obtaining it?
Consider this: if you don’t need help, right now and right where you are, you simply aren’t playing a big enough game.
Got big game help?
“Be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when you need help, and brave enough to ask for it.”
–Ziad K. Abdelnour
Call it what you like – phased retirement, gradual retirement, or flexible retirement – but this craze is only just beginning!
In one of my previous posts I talked about the trend of staying in the workforce longer (Read it here). Basically, I explain that the historical concepts of retirement are becoming more and more out of date. The most obvious reason is the fact that, in the past few generations, the average life expectancy has increased by almost 30 years!
With people living longer, healthier lives, it’s no wonder why they are choosing to stay in the workforce longer. Since we are living longer, the money we save for retirement has to last longer. This causes two effects. One, we need to save more money. Two, we need to work longer. Usually, our solution includes a mixture of those two options.
This is what leads us to the new craze in retirement.
Let me walk you through this relatively new concept that is changing how people, companies, and our government is thinking about retirement.
There is currently a process that people go through when they choose traditional retirement, or “cliff retirement”.
For about 3 years before retiring, you are extremely excited about the concept (especially if your current job is stressful). The first year of retirement is extremely stressful. Once you make the plunge you realize that your new schedule lacks in some key areas. Your built in social network from your job is now gone, your previous identity tied to your career is also gone, not to mention that you often feel as if your new life lacks structure and purpose.
However, the next few years of retirement get better. You find yourself in the “honeymoon phase” of retirement when you find new activities and social groups to become a part of. After the honeymoon phase wears off, you will begin feeling like your routine is boring. Finally, after your discontent wears off, you become content with your retired life.
If this doesn’t sound ideal to you, you’re not alone!
This is why phased retirement is becoming so popular. Very few people want to sit around and watch TV all day after they retire, it’s partially what is pushing so many people to continue working long after the standard retirement age.
Phased retirement gives you the ability to relieve some of the financial burden of retirement, reduce the stress of retirement, enhance your personal fulfillment, and keep ties with your social network through your job, while still giving you time for retirement activities like traveling and spending time with family. Ultimately, phased retirement gives you the time you need to prepare for retirement both financially and emotionally.
At this point you might be thinking, “this is sounding like a great idea, but how do I even start?” Well that’s the thing. While phased retirement also helps employers combat the shortage of employees once boomers start to retire and while the IRS is considering regulations to establish guidelines for creating and administering phased retirement programs, only 6% of companies currently have formal phased retirement systems in place.
However, don’t fear, because I have some tips and tricks for negotiating a phased retirement with your company regardless of if they have any systems in place.
By phasing out of your company, you are giving your supervisor plenty of time to find needed replacements. You are also helping your company cut costs while keeping your unique knowledge at their disposal. Here are a few tips for negotiating a new phased retirement schedule with your supervisor:
Offer to work during busy times for your company or when the workload is heavy. Depending on your job, this might be seasonal, during peak hours each day, or on certain days of the week.
Offer to mentor younger employees. The last thing your company wants is to lose all of the knowledge you have gained over the years working for them. By mentoring a younger employee (potentially to take your place) your company can be ensured that your eventual retirement will be a smooth transition.
Don’t run into your supervisor’s office before doing your research. Look into the topics below so that you can come up with a solidified plan before reaching out to your supervisor.
Watch out for pension/retirement fund problems. Make sure that decreasing your salary won’t adversely effect your pension. If your pension is based on your income over your last five years of work, cutting your salary isn’t the best idea. If this is how your pension is set up, consider “retiring” from your current job on schedule and picking up a new part-time job to transition into retirement.
Check the minimum requirements for full health coverage for your company. If you are under the age of 65 (aka, you don’t qualify for medicare) you want to make sure that you will still be working enough hours to receive your full benefits.
Look into Social Security withholdings. This is the most complicated step, but don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. First of all, it is important for you to know that you can work and still receive Social Security benefits! That being said, if you are making “too much” for your age bracket things can get a bit more complicated. Before getting into the details, let me give you one extra tip. You will need to know your “full retirement age” according to the Social Security Administration. Click here to calculate your “full retirement age” now. Now that you know your “full retirement age” look below to see where you might fall when you retire and how to best utilize your Social Security Benefits:
If you are shifting to phased retirement between the ages of 62 and your “full retirement age”: you can earn $15,720 in 2016 without being penalized. If you are making more than that, it isn’t necessarily a cause for alarm. For each dollar you make above that maximum, Social Security will withhold 50 cents.
Once you reach your “full retirement age”: you can earn up to $37,680 per year. If you are making more than that, your penalty goes down to 33 cents for each extra dollar earned.
Once you are above your “full retirement age”: you can earn as much as you like with no more penalties or withholding’s.
Now, here is the really good news. If you fall into one of the situations where part of your income is being withheld by the Social Security Administration, you will get it back once you are above your “full retirement age”! Once you reach that age, your social security check will be recalculated to give you credit for all of the previously withheld payments! (If you have any more questions about how your Social Security is effected when you start to retire, their website is full of useful information!)
Now that you have done your research, you are ready to talk to your supervisor.
Choose your responsibilities carefully. Make sure that you aren’t just “giving up” the responsibilities that you don’t enjoy. Think about which of your responsibilities are the most important for the company. Also, which responsibilities currently need to be required during times when your new schedule might not have you at the company. Set up a schedule to slowly start giving up responsibilities (starting with the ones that require the least extra training for whoever takes those responsibilities over). This is made easier if you are mentoring your eventual replacement.
Settle on fair pay. Keep in mind that you are working less. You might have to give up some of your full-time perks as well as some of your income. Don’t be shocked if you’re asked to give up your parking spot right in front. Remember that you are trading your extra income and perks for more personal time to do what you enjoy. Think about what perks are the most important to you as well as how much you should be compensated for your new schedule.
Now you are ready to start your phased retirement journey! The only thing left to do is decide how to enjoy your extra time off!
Stuff happens. It will keep happening. There’s nothing we can do to stop stuff.
How we are with others — but most importantly, with ourselves — in the midst of stuff either brings more stuff or requalifies stuff.
Anything, ANYTHING AT ALL can either be a blessing or a curse. It’s just how hard we’re willing to work toward the blessing end of the spectrum.
When all evidence is to the contrary is when real musculature is formed.
Got happy resolve?
“Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.”
– Helen Keller
When we are young we are asked what we want to be when we grow up. When we are a little older we are asked to pick a career. Then life happens. We find a job, work our way up in the company, raise a family, get settled in our routine – and get stuck.
When was the last time you thought about what you enjoy doing? Even more importantly, how often do you do something to make YOU happy? Chances are you don’t focus on your own happiness nearly as much as you should and, at this age, you SHOULD!
Maybe you’re thinking, “It’s been so long since I’ve been selfish and just done things for me, I don’t even know what I want to do!” If this sounds like you, have no fear! I’m here to help.
So how do you find your bliss? Start by just sitting down (with a pen and paper) and thinking about it. What did you used to love doing? Reading? Writing? Creating art or crafts? What have you always been interested in trying, but have never seemed to have the time? Yoga? Skydiving? Meditation? Water Skiing? Traveling?
Make a list of all of these things, and then try them! “I don’t have time” you start thinking.Make time! Schedule an activity for yourself in your calendar. Just do one activity a month if you have to, but start exploring your interests and find what you love.
Once you find something that makes you truly blissful, don’t stop! Make sure that you keep going. Slowly start scheduling it more and more often until it becomes a habit. But don’t stop there. I’m sure there is more than one thing that causes you bliss – keep looking! The more activities you find that make you blissful, the happier you will be.
Just remember to always be open to new opportunities and experiences. Never stop being curious of the world around you. Be willing to try new things and appreciate the joy they bring you. Don’t get too stuck in your routine, be proactive and schedule the time you need to find and follow your bliss. Step outside of your comfort zone every once and a while. And, most importantly, trust that everything will work out. If it seems like everything is going wrong, it just means you haven’t reached the end of your journey. You have the ability to live your bliss, now go find it!
The mature human psyche rarely voluntarily jumps into the game of uncertainty.
As we get older, we can become ever more attached to the knowing of what’s coming next, the assurance of our needs being met, the certainty of the path before us.
A layoff, business downturn, or even the inner need to make a significant change in one’s work, relationships, life, etc., can bring about fear of the unknown.
Yet, in that quest for knowing everything ahead of time, we may miss interesting opportunities and sidepaths along the way.
Think about it: when we go on vacation, though we may plan certain activities, do we want to know everything we’re going to experience beforehand?
There’s no fun, surprise or adventure possible when we already know.
Though it goes against the default closing of the mind and human spirit, taking on uncertainty with an attitude of fun can be a game worth playing.
What totally uncertain aspect of your life could you bring into a game of fun and exploration?
“When nothing is sure, everything is possible.”
It’s a topic that no one likes to think about, let alone talk about. Our parents have always been the strong ones, the ones in charge, the knowledgeable ones. However, as we ourselves grow older, we are forced to come to the realization that our parents are growing older as well.
Sometimes we realize it all of a sudden, we go to visit them and suddenly they seem weaker and more frail. Sometimes it is a slow realization; they start forgetting things, walking becomes more difficult for them, they seem less energized, they become more irritable. However we come to the realization, it is never easy for us. As their children it is natural that we feel sadness, concern, anxiety, fear, and even anger at this realization. It’s normal and it’s okay. The important thing to focus on is the next step.
Depending on if you live near your parents or live far away, there are different options. Below I have created a couple links for you to start exploring your options. Helping your parents through the aging process is never easy, but there are ways to make it easier.
They May Not Mean To, But They Do (a new novel about aging parents)
Although this process is full of anxiety and sadness, don’t forget that there is always the opportunity for fun as well. “How can this be fun?” you ask. Just check out these photos by Tony Luciani who is the caregiver of his mother. Click here to see the whole article!
“Why worry? If you’ve done the very best you can, worrying won’t make it any better.”
“Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later.”
“Do what you love to do and give it your very best. Whether it’s business or baseball, or the theatre, or any field. If you don’t love what you’re doing and can’t give it your best, get out of it. Life is too short. You’ll be an old man before you know it.”
“Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. Most people do the exact opposite: they only take action when they expect a reward, and they don’t enjoy the action. And that’s the reason why they don’t do their best.”
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”
“My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.”
“It helps if you remember that everyone is doing their best from their level of consciousness.”