Re-Evolution

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Often when we step off the non-thinking train that’s been running since…

…we started in a particular career that we never left

…we had kids and then spent 18yrs giving them wings

…we began a relationship or marriage that got caught up in the swirl of the items above

…we developed financial security that disappeared in some recession, depression, transgression or repossession…

…there’s a questioning period of what we coulda/shoulda/woulda done had we been more aware and alert.  Along with that questioning can come a seeming lack of confidence to step out, take a risk and/or play big again.

The adage “youth is wasted on the young” doesn’t necessarily apply to daring because young folks have no real experience of “failure” yet…and therefore they swing boldly (and sometimes blindly) at balls coming over their plate, making each new swing a learning experience (whether they would call it that or not).  They are “daring” if simply by the lack of knowledge of what can and can’t be done.

In The Back Forty, however, there can be so much protective gear weighing us down that our ability to swing is hampered…if we’re brave enough to even get up to the plate again at all.  After a few fast balls clocking us in the head or heart, we can become skittish to stretch out and unprotect ourselves for a good, honest swing.  Relationships, careers, building businesses – taking risks in all of these can get over-thought to the point of inaction.

For example, having built a home and family in my late 20’s, two-car garage with Mercedes, backyard with hot-tub, and extra room with crib, I experienced the non-thought of simply doing what people do as they get married and settle down.

Yet, within 10 years of such natural, life progressions, a divorced-and-co-parenting relationship had been in place for years, the house was owned by another, and a two-year custody suit was just starting.

I doubt I’m the only one who has seen the “little pink houses for you and me” picture burn to ashes.

In the wake-up call that gets termed “midlife crisis”, however, we have an opportunity to actually begin thinking vs. being scared to move or make a mistake (again).

One new way of thinking is to reframe all of it as having been for our highest and greatest good and to look for and see our evolution possibilities that arose from it.  What have I been through that I can help others with?  What gifts, talents, abilities, new superpowers did I develop as I went through the crucible and/or chrysalis of all that stuff?  How can I consciously use daring to grow and no longer be weighed down by victim stories of what he/she/they did to me?

Perhaps it’s this second wind of evolution – our Re-Evolution – that is the real game to be played in this span of time called a life…and what if, at midlife, it’s only beginning?

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Directionality

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The late Alvin Toffler, futurist and author of FutureShock, The Third Wave, and Powershift said:

“You’ve got to think about big things while you’re doing small things, so that all the small things go in the right direction.”

Throughout our day, we are making lots of little choices that we can mostly fall unconscious to. Yet those choices start to add up to a direction we’re headed that – once we get there – we wonder how we got here!  The culmination of our unconscious choices only becomes visible above the surface once they’ve built upon themselves outside of our watching.

There are both big and small choices we make every day which it might pay for us to become conscious of…so as to wake ourselves up to why we end up where we do.

For example, I can see a homeless person and feel the sadness of wanting to help but being busy on my way and/or then the guilt of not stopping long enough or giving enough to help them.  Or, I can see this feeling coming over me as a choice I’m making and choose a different direction: to give something if I’m so inclined as well as send a silent blessing their way and see them attracting what they need.

Was that just a rationalization?  Did I say that blessing just to make myself feel better?  Yes, maybe!  Yet, at the end of my day, having made those similar types of choices throughout, I will likely have a state of mind that is of better service, liveliness and happy disposition than if I make more of the contrary choices.

We can relate this to Law of Attraction if we want, which says you get more of whatever you think about.  Yet it’s really only an active mind-management exercise of conscious directionality during the day.

I faced a big financial decision recently to either wait “until the perfect time” (do those ever come?) to invest in a new home or – with tons of planning and consultation with caring supporters already under our belt, loan approvals assured, and clarity around numbers solidified – to go for it even though we don’t know what tomorrow will bring (who does??).

I realized that, though this was a “big” decision, I make smaller ones multiple times every day as to whether I trust that the Universe is going to keep giving and supporting me or whether I need to horde and cover my nuts (so to speak) because the flow might stop.

In The Back Forty, we have the opportunity to choose what direction we’re going to head – toward aliveness and what esteemed psychologist Erik Erikson calls “generativity” or whether we’re going to head toward safety and what he calls “stagnation”.

We are about generativity…because, IF, just IF have yet to do what you came here to do, how will you do it unless you keep playing bigger than you are now?

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The Difference between Men and Women in Midlife

group-headshot-1I admit that sometimes my blog topics don’t come to me right away, and this morning I was calling on help from the almighty internet. I searched and searched for different topics and then different bloggers, anything to give me a spark of inspiration. Suddenly I saw it.

I saw the difference between men in midlife and women in midlife, and I was shocked that I had never noticed it before.

What did I notice? As I was scrolling through all of these blogs, articles, and websites devoted to midlife I noticed one shocking truth. There were no men blogging about their midlife journey! I saw countless examples of women talking about their midlife struggles, sharing their beauty hacks, talking about how they are finding themselves, but there was absolutely nothing from the other half of the population. Occasionally I find a man in midlife who has a blog, sometimes even a blog about midlife. But what are his topics? Finances, business, retirement planning – not once have I found a male blogger who is talking about his midlife experience.

Although this may be relatively isolated, I feel it supports an overarching theory. Women in midlife are often searching to better themselves, and what better way to succeed at bettering yourself than to reach out to others who are also going through midlife? This is why there are so many women with blogs, websites, and articles devoted to their journey through midlife. Men on the other hand, although they often want to better themselves as well, are far less likely to share their personal journey. The idea of someone judging your failures can be crippling.

This is why I feel that The Back Forty is so revolutionary. First of all, the original idea of The Back Forty came from a man. Darrell Gurney was wading his way through midlife and had an epiphany. He realized that your second half of life is where you have the chance to truly achieve what you are on this earth to achieve. As his idea evolved from a book to a program, to a movement – his mission began to become clear.

Not to say that he did all of this alone, there was a woman in the background, Alexandra Levin (who is now the Co-Founder of The Back Forty INFUSE Program). In many ways, Alexandra helped Darrell push the idea of The Back Forty toward the program and movement that it is becoming today.

So, if you are currently working your way through midlife alone, don’t! Check out The Back Forty. It might just be the community you are searching for. After all, as Darrell always says:

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No More Little Miss “Good Girl”

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I’ve been called a good sport, agreeable, and easy-going.  All good things, right?

Wrong.  For me, they are not.

I have been accommodating my entire life, starting when I was 2 or 3. I was a good girl – in fact the best behaved child around (my mom’s friends always told her so).  Being a “good girl” became my instrument for being liked by others, and getting my family’s approval and love.  

I’ve been a people pleaser. With a smile. Happy to oblige.  I’ve thought others know better, are smarter, and that I should just do what is wanted of me.  To keep this thinking in place, I’ve subconsciously surrounded myself with plenty of people to accommodate.

One example is my ex-husband of 15 years, who was scary-smart, headstrong, and had a temper.  It was much easier to say “yes” and do things his way than to say “no” and stand my ground.  So I went the easy route.  Except it only looked easy.

The very hard costs were my respect for myself, my self-expression, and the absence of a stand for who I am and what I believe.  I was lost to my Self.  In the end, the marriage ended and I decided that the only way to break that accommodation pattern and allow for my self-expression was to stay away from relationships. That changed when another way of thinking and being came along, called The Back Forty.

In my Back Forty, I have no interest in being an accommodating, people-pleasing, agreeable good girl.  

Change is not easy after being a people-pleaser and accommodator for 48 years.  It is still much easier for me to agree (with you, them or whomever) than to stand my ground for my perspective, values and desires. Patterns of behaving and thinking are deep and well-established.

My brain has been trained for a lifetime to perceive failure to accommodate as a threat to my survival. The temptation to agree and accommodate is high. Yet I am learning to stand for my Self and my full Self-expression.

It can be messy, like a child first learning to feed herself.  And while it can be easier to err on the side of continuing to accommodate and agree, I choose to err on the side of my stand, even if disagreeable.  I’m ready, willing and fully able to make mistakes, clean up the mess, and move on.  Change can and will only come this way.

I do this because being accommodating is deadly. It kills who I am, it kills my joy, and it kills my relationships and, interestingly, it kills other people… because it doesn’t require them to learn and deal with what they need to figure out or improve about themselves.

I choose to be a stand for my Self, as a way to honor those I love, those I care about, those relationships I treasure, and what is possible for me when I am fully Self-expressed.  I choose to be disagreeable and unaccommodating when my Self is at stake and to risk argument and disapproval.

After many years of first-half-of-life research, I’ve learned that being a good girl is overrated. For my Back Forty, I choose ME – and the difference I can make – when I am true to my Self.

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Your Yoda

“If you light a lamp for someone it will also brighten your own path.”

—Buddhist Proverb


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At what age does the idea of solid, supportive mentoring first catch us?

As a career/executive coach and spiritual counselor for over 30 years, I watch as so many young folks go out into life just shooting from the hip with whatever moods, whims or impulses hit them…unaware that there is a world of wisdom out there which they could tap into to gain information and make better decisions for themselves. Much less gain access to thought leaders and opportunities that could open doors.

But they say youth is wasted on the young.

I also see many people tied into careers, industries, relationships in life who either never learned the power of supportive mentoring and/or they have grown to an age where they think they “should know by now” and, if they don’t, surely don’t want to advertise it.

However, in The Back Forty, we say that, no matter what your age or what you have accomplished (or not) thus far in life, you have YET to do what you came here to do.

Therefore, life and growth and becoming and fulfilling our purposeful reason for being on the planet is an ongoing game that doesn’t have a time-limit or age-marker on it.

I personally didn’t understand the power of mentoring early in life.  Frankly, due to some perceptions from my childhood, I was actually afraid of strong, powerful men.  Not like men are the only ones who can mentor a young man, and yet I didn’t at all tap into this very valuable and available aspect of life until much later…when I did the work to release the fear of strong, powerful men.

Those of us playing the second half of life could find many and varied reasons for not tapping into the wealth of wisdom and knowledge out there in the areas that we are passionate about.  “I’m too old to try something new” or “Well, this is the way I’ve always done or seen things, and I’m pretty ok with things as they are”…and yet those statements are all-but-too-close to complacency and mediocre living.

IF, just IF you have YET to do what you CAME here to do, what could be possible for you to take on and explore for yourself: in your work, in a relationship, in your interests, in your community impact?

In The Back Forty, we invite you, as well as ourselves, to take on that “the best is yet to come, and babe won’t it be fine”.  Therefore, gaining the supportive mentoring and wise Yoda-ship of those who won’t buy your stories but, instead, will invest in your possibility – this is where to build.

Got your Yoda?

“There is no lack of knowledge out there…just a shortage of asking for help.”

—Mark Carter

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Why You Should Forget Everything You Think You Know About The Midlife Crisis

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A middle aged man leaves work one day and decides to buy his dream car on his way home. This is the classic story everyone thinks of when they hear the term “midlife crisis”. But what if I was to tell you that midlife crises aren’t even real? I already feel the skepticism from some of you, but give me a chance to explain.

Over the past five years, research on midlife crises has been growing and growing. The shocking insight from all of this new knowledge? The story of the midlife crisis is based largely in fiction.

According to a national study of midlife funded by the National Institute on Aging, only 26% of adults between the ages of 25 and 75 have reported having a midlife crisis. Also, only about half of the people who said they have had a midlife crisis said it was triggered by the turmoil surrounding the aging process. It turns out, half of the people who have said they experienced a midlife crisis, the crisis was related to something that has nothing to do with midlife!

So next time you wonder when your midlife crisis will hit, realize that chances are you will never have a midlife crisis at all.

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Source: The Myth of the Midlife Crisis

4 Ways Investing During Midlife Can Make You a Millionaire

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A survey conducted by Bankrate recently fount that over 30% of people between the ages of 30 and 49 haven’t even started saving for retirement. If you fall into this bracket, the sooner you start to invest, the better! Why, you ask? Because you are also earning the bulk of your income between your late 30s and mid 50s.

How do I start? What should I do? No worries, I’ve got you covered. Here are my top four tips for helping you make the most of investing before retirement.

  1. Set up a financial plan: You can do this yourself or use an advisor, but often advisors can help keep you on track when you would be tempted to buy that new car you don’t actually need.
  2. Invest in the stock market: If you are in your 30s or 40s, invest in moderate risk stocks. If you are in your 50s or 60s, invest in low risk stocks. Also, make sure to diversify your holdings. Don’t JUST focus on stocks. Make sure to also invest in things like bonds and real estate. People who retire with seven or more types of investments have an average net worth of $1.4 million while those with three or less types of investments have an average of about $670 thousand.
  3. Prioritize retirement over college: I want to help my kids pay for school you might say. But let me put this in perspective, you can borrow money for college, you can’t borrow money for retirement. Plus, your kids can also receive scholarships and grants for their schooling. If you want to start a savings plan for your kids as well, go ahead. Just make sure that you aren’t sacrificing your own retirement plan for their schooling.
  4. Switch up your investment goal as you age: When you are in your 30s and 40s make sure that your goal is to grow your capital. You will have a slightly more aggressive approach than when you get older. Once you reach your 50s, you should shift your investment goal to conserve your capital. Start shifting to safer stock options. The last thing you want is to watch the risky company you invested in to go down the tubes.

Ultimately, if you are currently 40, follow the above steps, and invest about $1,500 a month at a 6% annual return you can be a millionaire by the time you reach retirement! It might not be easy, but I believe you can do it!

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Sources:
Bonds at Your Stage of Life
Not Saving for Retirement at 40? Crazy!
The Middle Years

Stabilizers

“The world is beautiful outside when there is stability inside.”

-Anonymous


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We often want things to move fast. The business we’re building, the reach we’re extending, the relationship we’re developing, the role we’re growing into: it’s exciting when things “take off.”

Yet, airplanes have elevators and rudders and rockets have fins to ensure that the speed is contained and focused.

Having our own stabilizers in place and functioning decreases the potential for going off course and ensures that the speed is most capitalized upon.

Regular walks in nature, a fitness regime, dedicated hobby time, regular check-ins with committed listeners can all serve as stabilizers…and yet many get dropped when things get busy.

When asked how much he meditated each day, Gandhi answered two hours. When then asked how much he meditated when things were going crazy around him, he answered four hours.

If things are going astral, what fin can you put in to balance the atmospheric pressure…even if you think there’s no time?

If things aren’t going astral, how can you design fins now for when they do?

Got stabilizers?

“A stable mind is like the hub of a wheel. The world may spin around you, but the mind is steady.”

-B.K.S. Iyengar

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Busting 5 Myths about Sex During Midlife

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There is no doubt that our bodies change as we get older, and it seems as if middle age is the culmination of all of our fears surrounding aging. Estrogen and testosterone decrease in both men and women as they age and this can cause many shifts in our emotions, physical appearance, and viewpoints. It is common to experience changes in appearance, weight, libido, behavior, and sexual response. Because of this, many people end up believing countless myths about sex as they age. Well, today I am here to bust those myths!

1. As you age, you lose interest in sex.

People of every age have a desire to have sex. However, after you make it to midlife your sexual desires change. It usually just takes a time to figure out how your body and desires have changed. To prove this point, a National Aging Survey found that over 70% of people over the age of 60 who were having sex regularly found their sex lives more satisfying than in their 40s.

2. Men lose their ability to get an erection as they get older and women lose the ability to orgasm.

Aging does not cause erectile dysfunction – changing hormone levels do. As men age, they simply need more physical stimulation to become aroused. Also, women’s orgasms actually tend to increase in frequency and intensity after menopause due to the shift of hormonal ratios within the body.

3. Women lose their desire to have sex because of the psychological and emotional factors surrounding menopause.

Usually, the physical factors outweigh the emotional and psychological factors when it comes to decreased sex drive for women. When going through menopause, the decrease in estrogen can cause vaginal dryness. If sex is uncomfortable because of vaginal dryness, simply speak to your doctor and find a solution that works for you.

4. Middle-aged people are done exploring their sexuality.

Baby boomers are reporting a surprising willingness to explore their sexuality in many different ways. They are exploring tantric sex, taking retreats surrounding sexuality, and reaching out to sex therapists and coaches.

5. By the time you are in midlife, your sex has become boring and you’ve lost your desire to be sexually adventurous.

People who are in middle-age are very interested in learning new ways to pleasure each other (since the way they are stimulated often changes due to hormone shifts). They are reading books, watching videos, and attending retreats to learn new skills.

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Sources:
The Truth About Sex After 50
Busted! 5 Myths About Sex After 50
Sexual Issues in Midlife

MomenTums

“Even if you fall on your face, you’re still moving forward.”

– Victor Kiam 


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Hopefully, in the unfoldment of a project or new initiative, there is a phase where things really start popping, happening fast, and there is lots to manage and stay on top of.

We aspire and dream of the new-venture train gaining momentum once it has slowly and laboriously picked up speed out of the station.

And it can be then that the stomach doesn’t feel the same way, there’s an ever-present edge of discomfort…perhaps occurring as a constant feeling of heartburn, upset stomach or indigestion.

That’s a good sign.

I walked around for a few months with what felt like a bowling ball in my gut when starting my first business.

Many will avoid the discomfort…and yet for those who are willing to choose it over the medicine cabinet, the pace of growth can be profound.

Into what area of conviction or dream creation can you choose to upset your stomach today?

Got momenTums?

“If you have the guts to keep making mistakes, your wisdom and intelligence leap forward with huge momentum.”

– Holly Near

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