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Compare & Solitaire: What’s the Match?

“Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself.”

-Coco Chanel

If we’re up for playing big games in life — career, impact, purpose — we’re going to be pressing our envelope all the time, becoming bigger than we knew ourselves to be.

A natural tendency is to compare: to others going our ways, and to our own ideals and standards of how we’d like to be playing.

As I grow to bring out a message of hope and inspiration – something that arose within me only in my second half of life – I observe myself comparing my delivery and message exposure to others, who may have been singing their song for longer or lesser than mine.

As I watch my tendency to juxtapose my progress to what I perceive to be the progress of others, I see the pull toward judgment: evaluating my status in relation to theirs, or even to my own ideals of where I’d like to be.

The old adage claims “compare and despair” perhaps only because that’s the direction most people go with it.

When we see someone playing better at a game we’ve chosen, we COULD choose to be inspired to know it’s possible for us to play better too…and learn from them.

When we see ourselves playing beneath our own perceived abilities, we COULD feel blessed to know we have more within us to tap.

These are the directions I’m playing with to address the natural comparison instinct, to empower myself to grow vs. become resigned…which can happen if we think we’re so far behind.

The main issue is how we’re going to relate to that Self we were handed, the particular Monopoly piece we were issued…and whether we realize that it’s always an inside job.

Maybe a new adage is called for: compare and solitaire.

Using any comparisons that naturally occur as insight to play my own game better, with the objective to use up the whole deck life has given me, keeps me focused on my own game and my own cards.

You only have your deck to play with…and only your own hand to play.

By the way, did you know that another name for solitaire is “patience”?  What might that insight alone afford you?

Remember: Your Game, Your Deck, and Patience.

“The only person you should try to be better than is the Who You Were yesterday.”

-Unknown

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What Happens When You Put Off Living to Wait for a Better Future?

Live in the moment!

It’s a pretty common phrase, right? But, like much of the advice I give out, it’s easier said than done. After all, how much of our lives do we spend waiting? Waiting to grow up, waiting to get a job that you actually enjoy, waiting to be able to afford that vacation, waiting to live in a bigger home, waiting for your relationship to get better, waiting for your kids to grow out of whatever stage they’re going through. The list goes on and on.

Now, let me be the first to say that I am far from blameless in this situation. I am the epitome of waiting. For years I said that I was waiting for my life to begin, then I was waiting to get married, then I was waiting for my husband to get out of the military, then I was waiting to own a home. For a large majority of my life, I have been waiting.

And that brings me to today’s quote. Take a moment to read it and I’ll meet you on the other side.

This quote is so true and I think it’s something that we need to be reminded of on a regular basis. While we are waiting for our lives to be perfect, we often miss out on all of the amazing things in our everyday life.

For example, my husband is getting out of the military in 6 months at this point. After he gets out, we are planning on moving across the country and buying our first home (military life doesn’t really give the opportunity to put down roots). So, I’m waiting. I’m waiting for my husband to switch careers, I’m waiting to move somewhere new, I’m waiting to put down roots. And I find myself trying to plan this future. I find myself “dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon,” just like Carnegie said.

Meanwhile, I should be thinking about how I only have 6 months left in this amazing place I already live. I currently am located in Colorado Springs and it truly is an amazing city. I have never lived anywhere with better restaurants; my husband and I have about 20 that we are absolutely in love with and when we move we will never be able to visit them again. The nature here is unbelievable, don’t believe me? Just look at this picture I took at The Garden of The Gods (only 10 minutes from our home)! Between the snow-capped mountains, the natural hot springs, the hiking, the local shops, and the amazing sights, I should be soaking it all in every moment.

And yet, I find myself being bored and waiting for something better.

So today my advice for you is as much for you as it is for me. Take a few moments to really see the “roses that are blooming outside our windows today”. After all, our experiences are fleeting and before you know it, that thing you’re waiting for will happen…and then you’ll have something new to wait for. So don’t waste your time waiting today, enjoy what is right in front of you instead!

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Expert Tip #10: Believe!

As I sit down to write my final tip in this series, I am realizing that this tip is the easiest…and the hardest tip to follow.

What is so easy and yet so hard?

Believing.

None of the tips I have given you will be of any help at all if you don’t truly believe that your future will be even greater than your past.

Believe that you do have power over your future, believe that you can achieve your dreams, believe that it’s not too late, just believe.

Today I ask you to do your part. You can help turn around the cultural conversation around aging, simply by proving others and the media wrong.

As you leave this post series, I want you to truly believe that your best creativity, ingenuity, relationships, careers, health, fitness, and self-expression are all still ahead.

Midlife is just the beginning! Do you believe?

 

Thank you for reading my Winning Midlife Pro Tip Series and remember to always believe in yourself!

See other tips here!

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The Time to Start Mentoring is NOW!

“The delicate balance of mentoring someone is not creating them in your own image, but giving them the opportunity to create themselves.”

-Steve Spielberg

Individual benefits of having a mentor – and being one – are wide-ranging and far-reaching, no matter where you are in your career.

For the organization, these benefits are multiplied:

• improved cooperation and effectiveness
• committed employees
• increased retention
• transfer of knowledge
• creating a company culture of growth and development
• becoming a more desirable place to work

Through developing ongoing relationships with their mentors, mentees more fully understand and embrace company values and culture.  

No one questions the immense value of mentoring.  

Why then, given how valuable mentoring is, are we not seeing more and more mentoring happening in the workplace?  

Here are three ideas you (or your organization) can implement to start mentoring now.

Find your own mentor whose expertise and attitude are right for you.  

The right match is key and will establish a “make it or break it” difference.  A mentor could be an executive or senior employee at your company.  A mentor should be several “levels” up, and someone who is both respected and interested in contributing.  

Or, you might find a mentor in your industry but outside your employer, as you meet experts through alumni groups or trade associations.  

To be successful, you – the mentee – will need to take full responsibility for the mentoring relationship, including being clear on what you want to accomplish, being willing to learn, and accepting guidance.

Get a “reverse mentor” – a colleague younger than you, most likely a millennial.  

I personally learn a great deal from a 20-something I work with very closely – including new technologies, expanding social media audiences and presence, new creative ideas and ways to approach projects, and added awareness of things I did not even know existed.  I am also continuously amazed at what my 20-something daughters can do or teach me.  

What could having a reverse mentor do for you?

Get your organization on board – and in tune with the times – by establishing a company-sponsored mentoring program.  

According to Dee Elliott, President of DECMentoring, mentoring programs create organizations of learning, discovery, and understanding.  DECMentoring uses proprietary technology to match mentors and mentees who engage in a 9-month mentoring relationship, including one-on-one meetings and group training sessions.

In the process, everyone (the mentee, the mentor, and the organization) become better versions of themselves, while improving awareness, confidence, leadership, listening, communications, and effectiveness.  

Everyone needs a mentor.  Who will be yours?

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3 Steps for Embracing Good Fog

 

“Derive happiness in oneself from a good day’s work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us.”

– Henri Matisse

To some degree, we regard fog in our work and developments as a bad thing.

Fog means non-clarity: of what is coming together (or not); of what is working (or not); of what the end result will be (or not).

We hate not knowing, and will often avoid times when it’s all happening “in the mix” without certainty.

Yet, if we look throughout history, did anyone in the crucible of bringing something about know that the messiness and confusion surrounding them would eventually result in world-impacting change?

In 1928, did research scientist Alexander Fleming, who sometimes left a messy lab at the end of the day — failing to sterilize his plates and leaving the window open — know that mold would form, enabling him to invent penicillin?

In the early 30’s, did 10 drunks all but living together and struggling to stay sober know that they were forming a fellowship which would grow to over 2 million members in 170 countries?

I’m inspired by these and other stories which demonstrate that “in the moment” is rarely the time when we know what we’re actually creating.

In the midst of investing time into the bookstore version of “The Back Forty: 7 Critical Embraces for Life’s Radical Second Half” (the first manuscript was far too dense for bookstores)…

all while building some very powerful and fruitful alliances with players and organizations that jibe with our message…

all while building out a content base of online and live programs in which people can experience the transformative effects of this message…

all while embracing and learning new forms delivering the message (social media) and streamlined systems of communication…

all while maintaining the bread-and-butter support of these initiatives through the coaching, consulting and corporate-employment playgrounds that fund our activities…

Alexandra and I can sometimes feel that we’re swimming in wide-open ocean with no site of land.

So, the inspiration of stories that show how a willingness to stay the course in the unknown can, years later, be the source of statements of amazement – “Who would have known!?” – make all the difference in our world…and, hopefully, the world.

Here are 3 steps for Embracing Good Fog:

1.  Wake Up…and see the fog, vs. remaining in the numbness that it usually puts us in.

2.  Forgive…yourself for all the make-wrong judgments you’ve levied against yourself: “I shouldn’t be here”, “I must be doing something wrong”, “I should have more things in place already”.  They just dampen your creativity and spirit.

3.  ReMIND…yourself and others of the solid intentions that you moved forward into this project with in the first place.  An intention has ways of fulfilling itself outside of our pictures of how it should necessarily come about.  If you’ve designed Mission and Vision statements for what you’re up to, this could be a good time to review them.  This will put you in your right mind.

By embracing the Good Fog of creativity, you can empower yourself to, as Thoreau says, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined”.

Question:

If you subscribe to The Back Forty conviction that “you have yet to do what you came here to do” and are committed that your second half of life be your best half, what fog of your own creativity can you embrace today for the sake of posterity?

“It is not the clear-sighted who rule the world. Great achievements are accomplished in a blessed, warm fog.”

– Joseph Conrad

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How to Stop Yourself from Preventing Your Success

Today I am bringing you another quote. Have you ever heard the little voice in your head saying, “you can’t do that”? Maybe you think, “it’s too late for me to change careers” or “that’s just the way things are”.

Well, my quote today is here to tell you that those mindsets are simply incorrect. Take a moment to read it through and I”ll meet you on the other side.

Take a moment to think about that. By telling yourself that you can’t do something you are basically sealing your own fate.

If you decide you can’t then you won’t, but what would happen if you decided that you could?

If you decided that you could get that job, that you could change your lifestyle, that you could actually achieve your dreams and goals, then anything could be possible.

You have to potential to have a purposeful, fulfilling, and fun second half of life – you just have to decide that you can.

So this week I have a goal for you. Try to think of something that you haven’t done simply because the voice in your head said that you couldn’t, and go for it!

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Expert Tip #9: Play Again

Have you ever said, “it’s just not the right time”? I bet you have. After all, with age comes knowledge and some things need to happen at a certain time in order to succeed.

Or at least that’s what we think.

If you take a moment to think about what you have held off on doing because it’s not the right time, you might just be surprised.

Maybe you didn’t go after a job because you didn’t think you had the right qualifications, or you didn’t ask someone on a date because it wasn’t the right time, or even you haven’t written a book because you don’t have the right connections or knowledge.

Here’s the thing about waiting for the right time, it might never come. That’s not to say that if the right time never comes then you can never achieve your goals, it’s quite the opposite. You can achieve your goals regardless of if it is the right time to do so or not.

Often when someone says that it isn’t the right time for something, they really mean that they don’t want to make a mistake. The fear of failure is what is really driving you, not the proper timing.

This is what brings us to today’s tip. Stop being afraid and start to play again.

Pick a goal and go for it! Forget about the right or wrong time and just start playing. Yes, you might get a little dirty along the way but that’s half the fun!

Come back next week for Pro Tip #10 and remember to get inspired, take action, and take risks this week!

See other tips here!

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The Bar, the Mindset, and the Law of Attraction

As we were settling in into our new condo, Darrell and I decided to buy a little corner bar.  One of those cool pieces that look built in, only they’re not.

Purchasing most of the other furniture came easy: we researched, found what we wanted, and bought it.

Not so easy for the bar.

After two months of relentless searching for the right one, it was nowhere to be found.  We spent hours searching online.  We looked at several dozen different models.  We went to stores and talked to salespeople.  Nothing worked.  Nothing came close to what we thought would be perfect.

I was resigned that we wouldn’t find the perfect piece.  Darrell was frustrated that nothing we saw was good enough.  Actually, truth be told, Darrell is a bit less particular than me, and could have been satisfied with a lot of these earlier options.  I’m more of a stickler for the exact fit.

Last week while taking an evening walk, we talked about our seeming inability to find just the right bar.

I said, with an intention to make us feel better, “It’s ok.  I always thought that the bar would be hard to find, and that it could take a lot of time and be pretty expensive.”  That was true – deep in my mind I was always convinced that finding the perfect bar would be a difficult and time-consuming project.

Darrell paused…and said, “Do you know, with that belief, it is no wonder we can’t find anything that will work for you…”

In that moment, I got it.  He was right.  In my mind, I created an idea that the perfect bar would be hard to find and expensive.  Therefore, the Universe was proving me right: it was.  With that mindset, no wonder we couldn’t find what we wanted.

“Would you be willing to give up the idea that it will be hard to find?”, Darrell continued.  Convinced as I was in the rarity of the item in question, I was willing.   I do enjoy a good game of mind control and miraculous manifestation.

Fast forward… to that VERY EVENING!

That night, after his regular few minutes per day of searching for a perfect bar, Darrell showed me a picture of something that looked ideal – a perfect fit, and at a fraction of the price I had expected to pay.  Although it was about an hour drive from our home, we decided to call them up and discuss it.

With what sounded like a description matching the picture of perfect fit, we gambled with renting a truck and drove up the next day.

It turned out to be true: the only bar in two months that came even close to what we wanted.

At the end of that eventful day, we had the most perfect bar – in color, shape, size, and design – sitting right in the corner of our condo.

Coincidence?  Fluke?  Nah!  I’m big girl enough to call one on myself.

As soon as I gave up my (very unhelpful) mental idea, we found a perfect piece…easily and somewhat effortlessly.

This gave me another perfect opportunity: to look where else is my mindset in the way of my getting what I want in my Back Forty, my second half/best half of life.

How about you?  What mindset, idea, or way of thinking could you give up to create room for something new, playful, or radical?  What miraculous manifestations do you have in mind?

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Gap Crossing

“Your problem is to bridge the gap which exists between where you are now and the goal you intend to reach.”

-Earl Nightingale

There’s where we are now. There’s where we want to be. There’s a gap.

The first inclination is to be diminished by the gap. Just like when you first realize something about yourself that was in a blind spot, and then use that insight to beat yourself up.

However, learning to positively “mind” the gap — applying mind techniques of which we’re all capable — allows us to be empowered vs. disempowered by the gap.

For example, one of my gaps is social media.  I have ignored the gap.  I have lamented my seeming inability to traverse the gap.  I have tried to pawn off my gap to someone else.  For sure, I have not been “empowered” by the gap.

However, if I incorporate the principles of The Back Forty – and practice what we preach (!) – I can entertain the idea that nothing from my first half of life (including social media) poses any limitations on what’s possible in my second half.  “Remember Darrell: You’re continuing to GROW, not become settled in your ways and beliefs about yourself and life!”

That’s the bugaboo: if, as we say in The Back Forty, “you have yet to do what you came here to do”, then it’s going to require an attitude of continuous play, trying things out, and learning…the way 20yr olds do when they just don’t know any better.  If ignorance is bliss, perhaps ignorance of our perceived abilities is what the doctor is ordering.

Here’s 3 Back Forty techniques for “MIND”ing the Gap.  See where you might apply them to your own area of expansion.

First, Acknowledgement. Celebrating the mere fact that we’re ambitious enough to have recognized a gap gives the journey a forward-moving energy and vibration. “Woohoo! Look at where you want to be! Aren’t you the bomb for realizing that?”

Second, Visioning. Taking attention away from the pity-party of this side of the traverse and putting it on the other side, picturing and feeling the “what it will be like when”, initiates magnetic forces which pull out new ways and means for getting there.

Third, Pro-active Matching.  Constant comparisons of results achieved with results desired from a “Where’s Waldo” perspective, finding every near hit vs. near miss, creates tailwind vs. headwind.

As I continue moving forward to incorporate into my life some necessary skills for communicating powerfully in today’s world, I enjoy the idea that I’m doing my part to turn around the societal mindset that says “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks”.

Perhaps the only real gap to traverse is the cultural one that says age has any limit on freedom, innovation, creativity, ideation, and capacity for growth.

What inspired gap of your own can you wrap your mind around this week?

“What I really want and what I’ve been thinking. That’s it folks! That’s all the work there is in closing the gap.”

-Abraham-Hicks

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Five Ways to Bring Meditation to the Workplace

“Let me tell you what I got while meditating today…”

Regular practice of meditation has become a norm for many people – it is no longer the “strange” practice “strange” people talk about; many people meditate in the privacy of their own home.  The benefits of meditation are so well and vastly known, that there’s no need to rehash them here.

But what about meditating in the camaraderie of the company where you work?  What about using the insights and awareness to be gained from meditation for professional and organizational growth?

“Let me tell you what I got while meditating today…” was a phrase frequently heard from a CEO I know during his executive team meetings.  It’s an unusual phrase to hear at a leadership meeting, but what if this became the norm?  What if we tapped into this intelligence as organizations, not just as individuals?  

This might be a part of creating The Back Forty of an entire organization, vs the second-half-of-life transformations that only individuals now enjoy.  What if organizations as a whole could create a radical and purposeful future distinct from their past and access yet untapped potential through conscious practices such as this?

More and more companies are starting mindfulness programs.  Google, Aetna, Target, and General Mills are among the organizations encouraging employees to meditate while providing environments and programs to support mindfulness.  Even the United States Marines introduced “M-Fit” – a military initiative that teaches Marines secular meditative practice of mindfulness in order to improve emotional health and mental performance during combat.

The most important key to success for such an initiative is not just buy-in from the top, but total ownership, direction and guidance from the organization’s leadership.  Leaders can’t just say “Ok, let’s try it” without a whole-hearted dive personally into the world itself.

For an organization with the type of leadership that has the eyes to see and the ears to hear, these are 5 simple ways to bring meditation into your organization.

1. Encourage quick, individual 1-5 minute meditation breaks a few times a day.  

For those employees that have not meditated before, here is a way to start.  Sit up straight in your chair, straighten your back, put your feet flat on the ground and your hands on your lap, and relax your shoulders.   Take 10 relaxed, deep, slow breaths, and focus on the breathing.  Everyone will report feeling more refreshed, recharged, and clear after taking on this practice.

Of course, if someone has their own office, they might close the door with a little note saying “In for Meditation: Refreshed in 5 Minutes!”  If in the middle of a big, open cubicle set up, perhaps either ear plugs can block out the ambient noise or there might be a conference room designated for only meditation breaks and “No Chit Chat Allowed…Except Within Yourself”.

2. Start staff and leadership meetings with a one-minute meditation.

From years in the corporate world, we all know how much time is wasted in meetings where, instead of moving towards the organization’s vision and addressing challenges, only more stress and frustration is created.

Giving an entire group a moment to “check in” with themselves and the intent of the meeting can serve for improved focus and initial alignment.

Sounds weird?  Rethink, and trail-blaze.  My invitation is to start now – the results will speak for themselves, and it will sound less weird next year. Before you know it, it will become a common practice across the corporate world and your organization will have benefitted the most and earliest.

Implementing a regular practice of starting the meetings with a one-minute meditation will help create a sense of teamwork, collaboration and partnership, as well as increase focus and effective decision making.  The result will be shorter and more productive meetings.

Success begins with the CEO.  Be bold.

3. Designate and establish a meditation room.

It can simply be a small office in a quiet area.  There are abundant conference rooms – why not have a meditation room?

By offering a space to meditate, companies can empower employees to manage their own stress and well-being, and offer a quiet space to those employees who do not have a private office, or who would prefer to meditate someplace other than their office.

4. Offer structured guided meditation or silent meditation times at break or lunch time, for employees who would prefer to meditate as a group rather than on their own.

This can easily be accomplished with a variety of available guided meditation resources and music, utilizing the audio equipment owned by most companies

5. Offer easy curriculums to teach executives and staff to meditate.

I spoke with Darrell W. Gurney, a career and executive coach (www.CareerGuy.com) who recently worked with two executives dealing with stress and personality conflicts with other employees and clients. Highly valued employees, yet both were close to losing their jobs because of their behavior.  As part of working with them as an executive coach, Darrell taught them to meditate.  

Darrell says both executives resisted at first, but as they gradually began a practice, their transformation was abundantly evident.  Their meditation practice created an internal shift, which impacted their behavior for everyone to see.  

As a result, both employees demonstrated completely new attitudes and got back onto productive paths noticed by both co-workers and clients.  According to one of the executives, this transformative work “opened my eyes to an entirely new level of self-awareness which has enabled me to lead a more fulfilling life. From learning to take more responsibility for my actions to learning way of finding inner peace.”  The CEO said “it was like a 180-degree turn-around.”

Bringing meditation to work is easy.  Don’t complicate it.  Start anywhere from the above points 1-5.  Just pick your favorite and go from there.

Where and when will you start?